‘How to resign in a panic’ – and other courses for the Brexit studies syllabus

Are you a student? Based in the Midlands? In possession of such a crippling compulsion to be correct that you’re willing to devote several years of your life to it?

Great news, because Birmingham City University has just announced its new Centre for Brexit Studies. The centre promises to “further enhance understanding of the consequences of the UK withdrawing from the European Union”.

With both leave and remain standpoints tailored for, the centre plans to host a series of Brexit conferences, workshops and seminars that anyone can attend. What might it look like? Here’s our best guess.

Introduction to marketing

This series of seminars will pass on important lessons learned by the leave campaign during the run-up to the referendum. Modules to include “What’s the highest nonsense figure you can claim you’ll give the NHS?”, “Campaign posters: How racist is too racist?” and “Booing immigrants for power and influence”.

Decision making

In a volatile and unpredictable environment, it can be hard to know when the time is right to strike. Do you nail your colours to the mast from the outset, or pin your professional future on a vote that you’re far from certain to win? Perhaps you should just sit back, refuse to participate and then waltz to power once your opponents have all blown themselves up. This conference promises to explore all the options.

What does Brexit mean?

This four-hour lecture takes the form of a call and response exercise, where the question “What does Brexit mean?” is replied with the cry “Brexit” over and over again until everyone is tired and scared and full of regret.

Speed-writing

This workshop will provide you with all the skills necessary to prepare and deliver a 5,000-word speech announcing your candidacy for a leadership position within hours of it becoming available, without it looking as if you’ve had it saved on your hard drive for ages like some sort of berserk Napoleon figure. Lecturer: Professor Michael Gove.

Crafting the perfect exit

Attendees will learn how to get whatever they want, and how best to immediately resign in a panic as soon as they get it, saving them the trouble of actually dealing with the almighty headache they’ve created for everyone.

Hobbies for the 48%

A fun workshop offering a number of activities for remain voters who want to distract themselves from the dawning realisation that, Christ, those idiots actually went and did it. Includes pottery, screaming into a bucket for hours on end, and adopting a false smile so painful that you don’t even realise that your face is stained with tears.

There will be no formal graduation ceremony on completion of the events, because you won and should get over it. Fees are either 500 Great British pounds, 300 euros, 100 US dollars or literally just a shiny chocolate bar wrapper you found on the side of the road, depending on the state of the economy at the time of payment.